Hello?
Ah, yes, South Carolina, come in. Please, have a seat. Thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice. I realize you’re very busy, and I promise I won’t keep you for long, but there are a few things I think we ought to discuss regarding what you’ve been up to in the past few years. To be honest, I’m a little bit concerned about the direction you’ve been heading.
Before you ask, yes, I have seen the Joe Wilson outburst; in fact, it’s what brought you to my attention. Yes, I’m aware that he apologized, but I think you know as well as I do that he wasn’t being sincere. After all, he did refuse to take back his initial accusation of lying (even though Obama was not, in fact, lying), and has turned his new-found notoriety into over $1 million in campaign contributions. Yes, his future opponent, Rob Miller, raised the same amount, but his donations came from the grass-roots efforts of progressive groups; Wilson straight-out asked people to send him money, even saying:
“The liberal supporters of a government takeover of health care are using my very vocal opposition as an excuse to muzzle the American people who have been outspoken against their risky plan.”
despite the American people resoundingly supporting the public option. Not mention that in 2003, he voted for the reimbursement of hospitals treating illegal immigrants, so he was apparently for it before he was against it. This leads me to believe that Throwing around baseless accusations of liberal takeovers, and then politically benefiting from them, is behaviour that I’d like to think you don’t encourage.
No, I’m afraid I don’t believe this is an isolated incident. Rep. Wilson is only the latest in a line of people who you have elevated to the national stage, only for them to be exposed as, well, not the sort of person most people would want to be associated with.
Mark Sanford – After voting for Bill Clinton’s impeachment due to the Lewinski scandal and declaring his behaviour “reprehensible”, and after consistently voting against gay civil unions as a “defender of marriage,” he proceeded to have an affair using public funds, and refuses to resign over it (and now may ironically be impeached). He has admitted to “crossing the line with a handful of other women.” He found a way to argue for increasing the powers of the governor while decreasing the role of government, which is a bit suspicious at best. He formally rejected the bailout money for his state, despite his entire constituency wanting it, and agreed to take it mostly to prevent anyone else from getting it. He voted against preserving sites linked with the Underground Railroad.
Lee Atwater – Raised in Aiken and educated in Newberry, and one of the most ruthless Republican campaigners ever. Planting fake news reporters in press conferences, smear campaigns, push polling by biased pollsters, spreading false rumours about political opponents (most notably Michael Dukakis in 1988). But you probably know him best for the Southern Strategy and his belief that cutting social programs used primarily by poor and/or black communities is “doing away with the racial problem” because hey, at least it isn’t as bad as saying nigger.
Strom Thurmond – Where do I start? How about when he set the Senate record for the longest filibuster ever, in an attempt to derail the passing of the Civil Rights Act of 1957. He joined a third party ticket because of the federal government’s attempts to (gasp!) stop segregation. He proclaimed that it would take a literal army to force Southerners to admit “the nigra race.” He came out publicly against the Supreme Court ruling that desegregated schools. He was an old cranky racist asshole, and like all the crankiest racist-est assholes, he had an illegitimate black child the entire time.
Jim DeMint – Let’s see here… wants to ban all forms of abortion, wanted to strip funding from Berkeley because they protested a Marine Corps recruiting center (and give the money to the marines instead), added an amendment to ensure that stimulus bill money wouldn’t be used for bicycle or wilderness trails, wrote a book on how to stop America’s “slide into socialism”, stated that gay people and single mothers with live-in boyfriends shouldn’t be teachers, supports prayers in school, and ranked as the most conservative senator there is. I think you get the idea.
Caitlin Upton – Better known as Miss South Carolina 2007. Clearly your state prizes education, although I’ll discuss that in a moment.
Those guys from Borat who got in trouble for saying slavery was a good idea – That’s right, they were frat boys from USC.
Hootie and the Blowfish – OK, you didn’t elect them, but I am so blaming you for them.
Of course, that’s just the people. We still have to discuss your other inadequacies:
- The lowest birth rates and lowest rates of HPV vaccination, and highest rates of teen pregnancy, premature births and infant mortality. And 17.4% of your residents didn’t have health insurance last year. Surely your elected officials can do something about -
The reason you’re not going to have a government-run health care pass the Senate, is because it would be devastating for this country. – Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
If we’re able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him. – Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)
- The lowest child welfare spending in the country.
- One in three high school students still doesn’t graduate.
- No state-wide smoking ban, but you can’t buy alcohol on Sundays.
- A terrible state flag.
Frankly, it’s almost a miracle you’ve survived as long as you have.
I know change never comes quickly or easily, but I’m starting to think you haven’t even been trying. It’s no good hiding behind tradition this time; tradition is just a word for something you’ve been doing for so long that you forgot why you started. Eventually, it does get in the way of progress, and I feel that’s what’s happened to you. The rest of America is moving forward into a new era, and you stick to this “good ol’ boy, government is bad, gays are bad, blacks are bad, education is bad, diversity is bad” mentality, you are going to be left behind.
Don’t worry, I have a plan. Because we value freedom and choice, here in the “entire rest of the world,” we’d like to give each of your citizens the chance to relocate to somewhere that suits them better. For those of you who are lower or middle-class, non-white, female, non-Christian, gay or bisexual, or simply who vote Democratic, there are a wide range of other states that would be glad to take your tax dollars and provide you with services for them. For the rest of you, the clock is ticking on moving to Texas before they secede. I know it will be hard, but you’ll be rewarded with the “real America” you always wanted; an entire country of rich white dumb straight Christian Republican men, responsible for your own health, education, road system, social security, transportation, monetary system, the whole nine yards. Hey now, don’t give me that look; you wanted the government out of your life, you don’t get to just keep the bits you like and refuse to pay for the rest.
Now, I’m very busy, and I’m sure you can show yourself out. If you see Florida outside, tell him I’d like to speak to him too.
